Parenting – The Neverending Lori

Hello friends and sorry for my absence of late. It’s hard to believe my last blog post was over a month ago, and yet…it was. I have been traveling and busy with work, so I have a lot to type about, but this post is diving into something my social media feeds are full of right now…

Kids going off to college…

I’m no expert in this field, but I do have 2 kids and one of them has gone off to college. The other one is starting her senior year in high school, so I will likely be needing this advice this time next year, so I figured I’d hammer it out on the keyboard and MAYBE next year when I’m a mess I’ll read this post and feel slightly better.

August 2019 I drove with our son to Boston, MA to drop him off at the Berklee College of Music.

Enjoy the journey – we stopped and saw Niagara Falls on our way to Boston!

Sending your kid off to college is some scary shit, but I think sending them half way across the country to a big city is like turning it to eleven. Here’s what I remember and/or learned from our experience.

Jeff flew in to help – mattress quality inspector, I guess

Sending your kid off to college is going to stir up a BUNCH of emotions and no matter what you’re feeling, it’s totally ok. Feel it. Some of the feelings might come out from your eyes in liquid form, and that’s ok – but for your sake and your kid’s sake, try to keep that to a minimum if at all possible. Even though they might look like they’re ready to fly they might be scared shitless inside and if you lose it, they might too.

One of our friends organized a group of Moms who all had kids that went off to school. We met once a month and had a “theme” for a care package to send to the kids. She did it like a cookie exchange (if you’ve been to one of those) so everyone brings enough of one item for all the kids. Then you make a box for your kid with a variety of items and then we would sit around and talk about what the kids were doing and, more importantly, how we were coping (or not), etc. THIS was genius and something I’d highly recommend to anyone who just sent their kid off. It’s hard for you. It’s hard for them. Misery loves company, but it also can offer up some great tips and tricks and if nothing else – you know you’re not alone. Just don’t forget to ship the care package to your kid – and if your group includes classmates from HS of theirs, include a note telling your student what their friends are up to. I mean, you know they already know (and know way more than YOU do) but the point here is that you’re reminding them they’re part of something bigger than themselves. You’re reminding them they have a home base and it’s there, even when they’re gone. You’re reminding them that people care and we all watch out for one another.

Phone calls and texts – unpopular opinion, but let your student make the move! I did ask my student to text me at least once a week to let me know he was ok – because he was suddenly living in a major city and I was sure he would get mugged or something, so the general rule was “check in with Mom at least weekly”. If you’re talking to your student too much, this may not be good. If you’re talking to them too little, also possibly a problem. This is one of the hardest lines to straddle. Where do we go from “too much” communication to “too little”??? Each parent/student combo has to determine that for themselves. Your goal here is to encourage them to somewhat sever that tie with home…get out, meet people, join some groups, get into classes and college life – BUT you also want them to know you’re there if they’re struggling. If they’re not talking at all, probably not a great sign but again, that depends on your kid.

YOU know YOUR kid, so you need to do what’s best for them. That might not be what’s best for YOU, but do what is best for them.

Visiting home – OK, prepare yourself for this one. Your kid is going to come home at some point for a visit – and they’re not gonna be home much. They’re probably going to be hanging out with other friends, also home from college, and you’re going to feel like chopped liver. Again, it sucks, but this is literally what we’ve been working towards, parents!!! This is the “go forth into the world and be a good human” moment. We want our kids to be independent, but when they’re independent it freaks us out a bit. How did our baby get to be this grown up doing their own thing? Take a deep breath, schedule a family meal, and enjoy the time you DO have with them and relish in the fact that they know you’re there when they need you. Them spending all their time with friends doesn’t mean they didn’t miss you…it means they know you’re always there for them.

If they all hang out at your house you’ll get to see your kid and all his friends!

You visiting THEM – at some point you may participate in a family weekend or some such event at your student’s school. Be prepared to do whatever THEY want during that time. Your kid might want to come to your hotel and just chill out, away from the chaos of campus. Or they might invite you to a tailgate and events that the school has planned. Go with the flow and enjoy this time with your student. Just remember you’re not 22 anymore, so don’t party like you are! Take a page out of the “visiting home” book and schedule a family dinner with your student at a local restaurant. This gives you some time to talk and see how things are going, ask about their classes, and see if any of your suspicions have merit. (Some of you are going to be confused right now – what suspicions??? You’re gonna have suspicions about your student. Stuff like “they’re not doing laundry, they’re partying too much, they have no friends, they haven’t gone to a single class, they’re struggling in a class and are getting in over their head, etc. You WILL have suspicions about your kid. They’re your kid. You know them like nobody else and now they’re living away from you.)

January 2020 we took a tropical family trip – little did we know what was about to unfold!

Dealing with emergencies – at some point in your kid’s college life, you’re going to have to deal with an emergency situation. It could be illness of a family member at home, it could be illness of the student, it could be a global pandemic, whatever….you’re going to come up against some kind of chaos, and how you deal with it WILL make a difference. First of all, I’d suggest figuring out a way to have an emergency fund for college emergencies. My Mom was a big fan of the “Emergency Benjamin”. This is something I also do. Basically, I make sure I keep an emergency $100 bill on me at all times – FOR EMERGENCIES. That is the key – it’s for emergencies, and wanting Starbucks and Chipotle on a Tuesday is NOT an emergency. Our student had a small, personal safe and it contained a foam pad in the bottom. Before I left Boston, I put an Emergency Benjamin UNDER the foam pad. If he would’ve needed it, I could direct him to the EB. You might also consider keeping a stash of money in case you need funds to get to your kid or get him/her home to you on short notice. If this type of expense won’t impact your day to day life, don’t worry about it, but if an unexpected $400 plane ticket is going to have you calling in every favor you have…start saving now. When an emergency happens, the better prepared you are, the better. Stay calm and talk through this issue with your student. They may surprise you and have some good ideas of their own. Remember – they’ve been “on their own” for a while and have been making decisions that you don’t even know about. Use the emergency situation as an opportunity to take your relationship to a new level – that of cooperative problem solving – instead of you, as the parent, telling the kid what to do. Obviously each situation warrants YOUR judgement as the parent, so you have to do what’s right in your situation. If your kid is in no shape to make any decisions, help them and provide detailed steps they need to take next. But, when possible, involve them in the discussion. Drake was packing up for Spring Break at home when schools all over the country decided that they needed to send students home in March 2020, as this virus thing was gaining some speed. He went from packing for a week at home to packing his entire room, all his instruments, and getting things shipped, stored, and checked for a flight home that ultimately was the last time he was in Boston.

I was never so happy to pick someone up at the airport. At least if the four of us were together, we were together, no matter what was happening.

After finishing his second semester via Zoom school, he decided to take a gap semester and then enrolled here in Carbondale at SIU. In May he will graduate with his degree in Digital Media. Is he ending how he started? No. But he’s happy, enjoying video/audio editing, shoots, production, post production, etc and seems at peace with the change of direction his life took. Anyway – emergencies happen. Be as prepared as possible to mitigate the stress the situation will cause.

Campus Resources – Thankfully I’ve never experienced this, but I do know people whose student was having trouble adjusting. This could be socially, academically, etc. Struggles are bound to happen, so the more you know about the available resources on your students campus, the better. Keep in mind that your student is 18 and nobody is going to talk to you about their academics. BUT – if you are concerned about your student and think they may need help, research what resources are available and then talk to your student about those resources. Colleges and universities want and need to retain students, so they have options for all kinds of struggles. Whatever your student is struggling with, well – it’s not their first rodeo, so I’m sure they’ve dealt with it before. The sooner your student gets some intervention and assistance, the easier it will be for everyone.

Enjoy it – yep, I said enjoy it. Enjoy the times you visit them…the times they visit you…the times they call and ask for advice on getting a stain out of their favorite shirt. Enjoy all of it. Your relationship with your kid is going to change, but it’s SO AWESOME! It’s truly a wonderful thing – the relationship with your adult’ing kid, so enjoy this stage and all the ones that come after it.

Oh – one more thing – IF you do forget that you’re not 22 anymore and have too much fun at the tailgate – Liquid IV. Drink a glass before bed and another one in the morning and no hangover. I keep a few of these in my travel bag at all times – just in case! Dehydration is no joke! Also super useful for those “care packages”.

First of all, yes – you are at the right blog. I know all the posts thus far have dealt with topics no where NEAR finances, but same place, different topic.

Let’s talk about financial intelligence! I’m in my 50’s and honestly it blows my mind sometimes to hear people talk about their financial obligations. It occurred to me that any financial intelligence I have wasn’t really learned in school, but from my parents. Then it occurred to me that we (meaning the hubs and I) have done a shit job at teaching our two kids anything about personal finance. The oldest will finish college a year from May and the youngest is a junior in high school. Clearly the oldest is the priority, as he’s closer to adulthood. One approach is to teach them both at the same time, but I’m no dummy – my style of parenting is test it out on one and if it worked, use it on the others. If it didn’t work, better find a new way!

So, I tell the oldest that it’s time for him to learn about budgeting and personal finance. This seems like a pretty easy discussion and so we set up a time that he’s going to come over and I’ll have a budget set up for him in Excel. Let me just say, I LOVE me a good Excel spreadsheet. I get busy and create a masterpiece of a spreadsheet. It’s a simple budget, and all he has to do is enter his expenses like a check register and all the budgeting stuff is done for him.

He and I sat down and I had started with some base figures, knowing we could adjust. I also had some expenses but knew as we went along the expense list would need to be changed. Here’s the hardest thing about budgeting – to really do it right, you have to track EVERY PENNY YOU SPEND. Yes, I know that sucks, but if you don’t know where your money is going, you cannot budget.

Step One – open online banking and transfer your “monthly income” from your savings into your checking. We are supporting him while he’s in school, so we provide a monthly allowance. Nobody wants to budget their “allowance” so we’re calling it income. Enter this amount to your checking balance and make sure the Excel check register matches what your online banking balance shows. Now, since he had already spent some money in January, we went ahead and entered those debits into the “check register”. Rent is auto-drafted, so instead of a check number, we use EFT (electronic funds transfer) and record that “debit”. We record the rest of the items that he had already happen in January and his ending balance in the register matched the ending balance of his online banking. Off to a good start!

As the debits are entered, the expense (or income) category is a drop-down menu. When the expense category is entered (seen above), the budget worksheet automatically updates, as seen below. This is a sample budget and figures to give you an idea of what I’m talking about. Each person will have different income and expense categories.

Saving is part of budgeting, so the next thing I had him do was enter three transactions, each of them with him as the “vendor”, the amount, and the “expense category” of Savings: Emergency Fund, Savings: Investment Fund, and Savings: Oh Shit Fund. He recorded those three transactions and then I had him go back into his online banking and transfer the total for those three from checking back to savings. Then we discussed what those funds are. Emergency Fund is exactly that – for emergencies, so in the future, if his car breaks down, he gets laid off from a job, he gets sick, his water heater dies, etc – he will have money available in an Emergency Fund. His Investment Fund is for him to bank up and then add to an investment account that was started for him. He can choose to continue to buy stock or perhaps choose another investment. Either way, it’s important to save for “down the road”. The Oh Shit Fund is the one I explained to him as a “cushion”. He won’t need to put money in the Oh Shit Fund forever, but for now, it’s a good idea to put money in the Oh Shit Fund so that if he’s at the end of the month and forgot to record an expense or two in the register, he has a cushion so that he doesn’t overdraw his account.

After we were all done, and he could see how the amounts from his register automatically went into his actual budget, I was feeling pretty good about my parenting skills. However, I know that a budget is only helpful if you USE it FAITHFULLY. So, we agreed that he is responsible for setting up a time once per week to meet with me and go over his financial spreadsheet.

The next week he called and we met. He had entered his debits in and we talked about how to classify some things. Then he asked if there was a way to budget in saving for something in the future. In his case, he is wanting to attend a music festival, so he wants to start socking money back NOW so that when the times comes, he will have the funds. Ah, be still my heart. He might really be getting this!!!

We set up another savings goal and he had to make some adjustments in expenses in order to be able to fund the new savings goal. Once we did that, he had very little money left over for the month, and it was only the 12th or so. I explained that when this happens, you have two choices – increase your income or decrease your expenses. Financial intelligence is all about making choices. You choose what you spend your money on. You choose what comes IN and what goes OUT. Right now is a great time for him to learn this, as he’s in college, has a pretty chill lifestyle, and has supportive parents. He’s able to get $$ out of us if needed, but now, with his budget, he’s being held accountable for what he’s choosing to spend his money on. I think this is making him a more careful spender, which is good.

If anyone is interested in a copy of the file, let me know. I used a few YouTube videos to help me create the spreadsheet and I think it’s easy for people to understand. The youngest doesn’t know it yet, but her turn is coming soon. As I work out the kinks with her brother’s personal finance education, I’m planning her turn. Think of it as a necessary life skill – something we should all teach our children, and something we all should know ourselves. If you have debt, set a goal for 2023 to pay extra on your debt each month. Take whatever your payment is and round it up to the nearest $100; so if you pay $358 for something, start making your payment $400. You will be amazed at how much faster that debt is paid off. Turn it into a personal challenge and find an expense you can cut. Put the money you would’ve spent on that into an envelope and every two or three months, put that money toward your debt.

When you manage your money your money can work FOR you instead of you working FOR it. Simple changes can make HUGE impacts on your financial situation, so take those first steps NOW and start getting your finances in better shape!

Category: Parenting

Absence makes the heart grow….?

Financial Intelligence