Hello friends and sorry for my absence of late. It’s hard to believe my last blog post was over a month ago, and yet…it was. I have been traveling and busy with work, so I have a lot to type about, but this post is diving into something my social media feeds are full of right now…
Kids going off to college…
I’m no expert in this field, but I do have 2 kids and one of them has gone off to college. The other one is starting her senior year in high school, so I will likely be needing this advice this time next year, so I figured I’d hammer it out on the keyboard and MAYBE next year when I’m a mess I’ll read this post and feel slightly better.
August 2019 I drove with our son to Boston, MA to drop him off at the Berklee College of Music.
Sending your kid off to college is some scary shit, but I think sending them half way across the country to a big city is like turning it to eleven. Here’s what I remember and/or learned from our experience.
Sending your kid off to college is going to stir up a BUNCH of emotions and no matter what you’re feeling, it’s totally ok. Feel it. Some of the feelings might come out from your eyes in liquid form, and that’s ok – but for your sake and your kid’s sake, try to keep that to a minimum if at all possible. Even though they might look like they’re ready to fly they might be scared shitless inside and if you lose it, they might too.
One of our friends organized a group of Moms who all had kids that went off to school. We met once a month and had a “theme” for a care package to send to the kids. She did it like a cookie exchange (if you’ve been to one of those) so everyone brings enough of one item for all the kids. Then you make a box for your kid with a variety of items and then we would sit around and talk about what the kids were doing and, more importantly, how we were coping (or not), etc. THIS was genius and something I’d highly recommend to anyone who just sent their kid off. It’s hard for you. It’s hard for them. Misery loves company, but it also can offer up some great tips and tricks and if nothing else – you know you’re not alone. Just don’t forget to ship the care package to your kid – and if your group includes classmates from HS of theirs, include a note telling your student what their friends are up to. I mean, you know they already know (and know way more than YOU do) but the point here is that you’re reminding them they’re part of something bigger than themselves. You’re reminding them they have a home base and it’s there, even when they’re gone. You’re reminding them that people care and we all watch out for one another.
Phone calls and texts – unpopular opinion, but let your student make the move! I did ask my student to text me at least once a week to let me know he was ok – because he was suddenly living in a major city and I was sure he would get mugged or something, so the general rule was “check in with Mom at least weekly”. If you’re talking to your student too much, this may not be good. If you’re talking to them too little, also possibly a problem. This is one of the hardest lines to straddle. Where do we go from “too much” communication to “too little”??? Each parent/student combo has to determine that for themselves. Your goal here is to encourage them to somewhat sever that tie with home…get out, meet people, join some groups, get into classes and college life – BUT you also want them to know you’re there if they’re struggling. If they’re not talking at all, probably not a great sign but again, that depends on your kid.
YOU know YOUR kid, so you need to do what’s best for them. That might not be what’s best for YOU, but do what is best for them.
Visiting home – OK, prepare yourself for this one. Your kid is going to come home at some point for a visit – and they’re not gonna be home much. They’re probably going to be hanging out with other friends, also home from college, and you’re going to feel like chopped liver. Again, it sucks, but this is literally what we’ve been working towards, parents!!! This is the “go forth into the world and be a good human” moment. We want our kids to be independent, but when they’re independent it freaks us out a bit. How did our baby get to be this grown up doing their own thing? Take a deep breath, schedule a family meal, and enjoy the time you DO have with them and relish in the fact that they know you’re there when they need you. Them spending all their time with friends doesn’t mean they didn’t miss you…it means they know you’re always there for them.
You visiting THEM – at some point you may participate in a family weekend or some such event at your student’s school. Be prepared to do whatever THEY want during that time. Your kid might want to come to your hotel and just chill out, away from the chaos of campus. Or they might invite you to a tailgate and events that the school has planned. Go with the flow and enjoy this time with your student. Just remember you’re not 22 anymore, so don’t party like you are! Take a page out of the “visiting home” book and schedule a family dinner with your student at a local restaurant. This gives you some time to talk and see how things are going, ask about their classes, and see if any of your suspicions have merit. (Some of you are going to be confused right now – what suspicions??? You’re gonna have suspicions about your student. Stuff like “they’re not doing laundry, they’re partying too much, they have no friends, they haven’t gone to a single class, they’re struggling in a class and are getting in over their head, etc. You WILL have suspicions about your kid. They’re your kid. You know them like nobody else and now they’re living away from you.)
Dealing with emergencies – at some point in your kid’s college life, you’re going to have to deal with an emergency situation. It could be illness of a family member at home, it could be illness of the student, it could be a global pandemic, whatever….you’re going to come up against some kind of chaos, and how you deal with it WILL make a difference. First of all, I’d suggest figuring out a way to have an emergency fund for college emergencies. My Mom was a big fan of the “Emergency Benjamin”. This is something I also do. Basically, I make sure I keep an emergency $100 bill on me at all times – FOR EMERGENCIES. That is the key – it’s for emergencies, and wanting Starbucks and Chipotle on a Tuesday is NOT an emergency. Our student had a small, personal safe and it contained a foam pad in the bottom. Before I left Boston, I put an Emergency Benjamin UNDER the foam pad. If he would’ve needed it, I could direct him to the EB. You might also consider keeping a stash of money in case you need funds to get to your kid or get him/her home to you on short notice. If this type of expense won’t impact your day to day life, don’t worry about it, but if an unexpected $400 plane ticket is going to have you calling in every favor you have…start saving now. When an emergency happens, the better prepared you are, the better. Stay calm and talk through this issue with your student. They may surprise you and have some good ideas of their own. Remember – they’ve been “on their own” for a while and have been making decisions that you don’t even know about. Use the emergency situation as an opportunity to take your relationship to a new level – that of cooperative problem solving – instead of you, as the parent, telling the kid what to do. Obviously each situation warrants YOUR judgement as the parent, so you have to do what’s right in your situation. If your kid is in no shape to make any decisions, help them and provide detailed steps they need to take next. But, when possible, involve them in the discussion. Drake was packing up for Spring Break at home when schools all over the country decided that they needed to send students home in March 2020, as this virus thing was gaining some speed. He went from packing for a week at home to packing his entire room, all his instruments, and getting things shipped, stored, and checked for a flight home that ultimately was the last time he was in Boston.
After finishing his second semester via Zoom school, he decided to take a gap semester and then enrolled here in Carbondale at SIU. In May he will graduate with his degree in Digital Media. Is he ending how he started? No. But he’s happy, enjoying video/audio editing, shoots, production, post production, etc and seems at peace with the change of direction his life took. Anyway – emergencies happen. Be as prepared as possible to mitigate the stress the situation will cause.
Campus Resources – Thankfully I’ve never experienced this, but I do know people whose student was having trouble adjusting. This could be socially, academically, etc. Struggles are bound to happen, so the more you know about the available resources on your students campus, the better. Keep in mind that your student is 18 and nobody is going to talk to you about their academics. BUT – if you are concerned about your student and think they may need help, research what resources are available and then talk to your student about those resources. Colleges and universities want and need to retain students, so they have options for all kinds of struggles. Whatever your student is struggling with, well – it’s not their first rodeo, so I’m sure they’ve dealt with it before. The sooner your student gets some intervention and assistance, the easier it will be for everyone.
Enjoy it – yep, I said enjoy it. Enjoy the times you visit them…the times they visit you…the times they call and ask for advice on getting a stain out of their favorite shirt. Enjoy all of it. Your relationship with your kid is going to change, but it’s SO AWESOME! It’s truly a wonderful thing – the relationship with your adult’ing kid, so enjoy this stage and all the ones that come after it.
Oh – one more thing – IF you do forget that you’re not 22 anymore and have too much fun at the tailgate – Liquid IV. Drink a glass before bed and another one in the morning and no hangover. I keep a few of these in my travel bag at all times – just in case! Dehydration is no joke! Also super useful for those “care packages”.
The Neverending Lori 