Schuyler

A week ago I wrote a post for your birthday. Every tap of the keyboard was a reminder that as we mentally celebrated your birthday – a week later we would memorialize the day you died. I wish I could say that the memories from the day you were born were as strong as the day you died, but as I’ve experienced more and more life I’ve come to understand that trauma often plants a deeper root into our memories than joy. Such is life…

I took my own time last night to remember the events of today in 2009. Each of us has our own recollection and those feel sacred and private. Today I’m going to share my thoughts on time and wishes.

Fourteen years – every year as we add another number to the sum that you have been gone it is both amazing that so much time has gone by and also feels like an eternity since I felt your hug, heard your laugh, or shook my head and rolled my eyes at something you did or said. I suppose there’s a bit of beauty in that, though – because even though 14 years have passed, you’re still such a part of our lives. I think about you every day. Your name often graces a conversation or funny story. Your name and your memories cannot be erased from our history because you aren’t physically present in our days and nights. There’s actually a lot of beauty in that.

Fourteen years has not taken grief away – but it has softened the edges of it. I feel a pang of loss when I see your friends with their children, or look at a family photo and your face is absent, or see the shift in your Dad’s face when someone mentions your name. I feel that pang of loss because I grieve all the stuff that you didn’t get to do beyond the age of 25. I grieve that you didn’t get to attend weddings, graduations, vacations, holidays, or even just a random Saturday night back yard BBQ. The edges of that grief are softer though, so I don’t stay there long – I sit with it for a moment, and then my mind drifts into a space where we all were together and I can hear the laughter, feel the breeze from the river, and smell the grill. Twenty five years wasn’t enough, but it was so much better than nothing at all.

Wishes – I have so many, but for today, just a few. I wish Drake and Avery KNEW you. They “know” you and Drake might even slightly remember you, but neither of them got to really KNOW you. I’ll even lump Logan, Cole, and Brenton in there. It makes me sad that the only way they know you is because of what we tell them, photos we show them, and stories from your friends. I mean, to be honest, you’d have really taught them some raunchy shit, but even just the thought of that makes me smile. I wish you could’ve had that opportunity, and even more – that those kids would’ve had the opportunity to really know you. You’d have been the person they’d confide in – because they would know that you were a safe person, no judgement, and that you’d be honest with them. You’d be the “fun” uncle/cousin but you’d also have been that safe person for them because you would’ve let them know that you had made mistakes and been judged. You would’ve loved them as fiercely as you loved all of us, and nobody has ever been hurt by being loved too much.

I hope that you know how incredibly much you are missed by SO MANY – and how you live on in our memories and hearts. People say “Never Forgotten” but I can assure you that you truly will never be forgotten. Many remember you as the young man from Kewanee who gave his life for his country. Those of us lucky enough to call you family or friend remember you as the person you were, and the person who we will miss forever.