Month: February 2023

Life After Loss, Trauma

Schuyler

Lori Martin

A week ago I wrote a post for your birthday. Every tap of the keyboard was a reminder that as we mentally celebrated your birthday – a week later we would memorialize the day you died. I wish I could say that the memories from the day you were born were as strong as the day you died, but as I’ve experienced more and more life I’ve come to understand that trauma often plants a deeper root into our memories than joy. Such is life…

I took my own time last night to remember the events of today in 2009. Each of us has our own recollection and those feel sacred and private. Today I’m going to share my thoughts on time and wishes.

Fourteen years – every year as we add another number to the sum that you have been gone it is both amazing that so much time has gone by and also feels like an eternity since I felt your hug, heard your laugh, or shook my head and rolled my eyes at something you did or said. I suppose there’s a bit of beauty in that, though – because even though 14 years have passed, you’re still such a part of our lives. I think about you every day. Your name often graces a conversation or funny story. Your name and your memories cannot be erased from our history because you aren’t physically present in our days and nights. There’s actually a lot of beauty in that.

Fourteen years has not taken grief away – but it has softened the edges of it. I feel a pang of loss when I see your friends with their children, or look at a family photo and your face is absent, or see the shift in your Dad’s face when someone mentions your name. I feel that pang of loss because I grieve all the stuff that you didn’t get to do beyond the age of 25. I grieve that you didn’t get to attend weddings, graduations, vacations, holidays, or even just a random Saturday night back yard BBQ. The edges of that grief are softer though, so I don’t stay there long – I sit with it for a moment, and then my mind drifts into a space where we all were together and I can hear the laughter, feel the breeze from the river, and smell the grill. Twenty five years wasn’t enough, but it was so much better than nothing at all.

Wishes – I have so many, but for today, just a few. I wish Drake and Avery KNEW you. They “know” you and Drake might even slightly remember you, but neither of them got to really KNOW you. I’ll even lump Logan, Cole, and Brenton in there. It makes me sad that the only way they know you is because of what we tell them, photos we show them, and stories from your friends. I mean, to be honest, you’d have really taught them some raunchy shit, but even just the thought of that makes me smile. I wish you could’ve had that opportunity, and even more – that those kids would’ve had the opportunity to really know you. You’d have been the person they’d confide in – because they would know that you were a safe person, no judgement, and that you’d be honest with them. You’d be the “fun” uncle/cousin but you’d also have been that safe person for them because you would’ve let them know that you had made mistakes and been judged. You would’ve loved them as fiercely as you loved all of us, and nobody has ever been hurt by being loved too much.

I hope that you know how incredibly much you are missed by SO MANY – and how you live on in our memories and hearts. People say “Never Forgotten” but I can assure you that you truly will never be forgotten. Many remember you as the young man from Kewanee who gave his life for his country. Those of us lucky enough to call you family or friend remember you as the person you were, and the person who we will miss forever.

Trauma

Illness in a post-pandemic world

Lori Martin

Last week as I lay in bed one night I felt a feeling I had not felt in a LONG time. I felt a heaviness in my chest…I remembered having that feeling before – when I’d get bronchitis every year. Now, the interesting thing is, it has been since before January 2020 since I’ve had my yearly bronchitis. In fact, my cough would be so severe and last so long (often for months) that at the start of COVID my hubs and I were very concerned what would happen if I were to catch COVID – would my lungs be able to handle it?

At the beginning of the pandemic, it was quite scary. Hearing this virus was so easily transmitted and how it went straight for your lungs concerned me. I had been hospitalized as a child one summer with double pneumonia and I think my lungs probably have some lingering damage from that. Anyway, I was very worried about how my body would react to this mystery virus that was plowing through the world and inundating hospitals. As more and more information came out I found myself vacillating between terrified and relieved, depending on the story.

I got my vaccination as soon as possible, followed up by a booster. As more and more people around me contracted COVID and came through it well, I figured I would be fine if/when I found myself exposed. We had a few close calls, but it wasn’t until August of 2021 that anyone in our immediate household tested positive. I was the primary caregiver for my elderly father when he tested positive and trust me when I tell you that if I didn’t get it from HIM, I wasn’t going to get it at all!

Now let’s pop back to last week when I felt that old familiar heaviness in my chest. I thought it was odd, but it sure did feel like I was getting sick. By the next morning I was sure – I was sick. I had a barking cough and my voice was raspy. I stayed home from work, hoping it would pass through quickly. I’ve been dealing with it for over a week now, with Sunday being the worst of it. Each day I feel much better. And yes, I did take a COVID test because we had some here at home and I was NOT positive.

Here’s the thing, though – do you remember what it was like to be sick BEFORE COVID? I needed some OTC cold meds so on Saturday I went into Kroger. I was wearing a mask to protect people from my germs. I was not chatting anyone up or leisurely shopping. I went in with a mission to get what I needed and get out with minimal contact. One of the items I purchased required a DOB, so even through I had gone to self-checkout (again, to avoid people) the cashier had to come over and enter my DOB into the kiosk.

She was so repulsed by me that I seriously felt like Patient Zero for the next global pandemic. Did COVID freak us out to the point that we cannot handle normal illnesses in our fellow humans?

One of my friends said it best. She said “Remember when we all just went into the office everyday with boxes of Kleenex and bottles of Chloraseptic with our sneezing and coughing because it was ‘just’ a cold?”!!! YES!!! Yes, yes, YES!

Pre-pandemic we were more tolerant of sniffles and sneezes because, well, because they’re germs and we all have them and that’s how our body learns to fight germs off. I feel like the pandemic has made a lot of people fearful.

I get it. People are traumatized. Lots of bad decisions were made during the pandemic, but nobody knew what the hell was going on or how to handle it. And now when we hear a cough or a sneeze we’re Pavlov’ed into a sense of fear. This was my first time encountering that fear as a sick person. I would imagine I’ve expressed that fear to someone in public, perhaps without even being aware that I was doing so.

As for me, I’m finally feeling better and will be going back to the world of the living. I think all traumas make us long for a return to “before”….I wish we could just go back to how it was “before” that happened. My experience Saturday at Kroger reminded me how much the pandemic changed – both good and bad – and gave me a longing for a return to a time that we didn’t hear someone sneeze or cough and find ourselves filled with fear and anxiety for our own safety.

Life After Loss

happy birthday

Lori Martin

Today, February 17th is Schuyler’s birthday. Schuyler is my nephew.

He was killed by an IED blast in Afghanistan in 2009.

Some may think today “was” his birthday and he “was” my nephew, and that’s ok, but that’s not how I see it. February 17th is – and always will be – his birthday. He will remain forever 25 in my mind – with a huge smile, a mischievous laugh, and a gripping hug that practically squeezed the air our of your every cell. A week from today, on the 24th, is the day he died…one week after his 25th birthday. Here and then gone.

I think about Sky a lot, but more so during this month, and even more during this week – the week between the day of his birth and the day of his death. Today, as thoughts of him and memories have passed through my mind I’ve smiled. Even now, typing this, I just have to smile. That’s really all he ever wanted – to make people smile. Right now I am feeling a little morose, as the thought just occurred to me – How much MORE laughter would we all have in our lives if he were still alive?

Wow – so much. So much more laughter.

He was truly a gift, and his presence in my life was a gift. Like everyone important to us who we lose, I long for more, but have to be grateful for the time we had.

That’s the real trick in this grief thing – remembering to be grateful for the time you had instead of focusing on what was lost.

So, happy birthday Schuyler. Thank you for the memories that you left with me; thank you for the people you brought to my life because of yours; thank you for whooshing through my head sometimes when I’m taking life way too seriously and reminding me to enjoy the ride; thank you for being the reason people choose to help others; thank you for being who you were and who you will always remain, in my heart and mind.

Holidays

Valentine’s Day

Lori Martin

Today is Valentine’s Day and I’ve found that it’s a “holiday” that people have very mixed feelings about. Here’s what I think about VDay – and I’d love for you to comment (or even just personally reflect) on what the day means to you.

My childhood memories of Valentine’s Day are that Dad would bring Mom roses – and he’d bring me one too. I don’t remember it being a big production or anything, but it was just this nice little thing he did for my Mom and me. They may have gone out for dinner or something, but I just don’t recall it being a big deal. I remember the fun parties in school, where you’d decorate a shoe box and then put a card into your classmates boxes and then open them and enjoy all the little treats.

When the hubs and I started dating and were early married, I suppose we did some of the traditional things for Valentine’s Day, but honestly I don’t really remember. The hubs is a romantic so I’m sure he did sweet things, but that’s the thing about REAL romance – it’s NOT just about one day. I think that’s why VDay is just another day to me.

Here’s the thing – if my hubs doesn’t get me a card, flowers, candy, take me out for dinner, or any of those marketed Valentine’s Day “traditions” I do NOT think that he doesn’t love me. I don’t take it as a slight, I don’t take it as a bad sign, I don’t give it much thought. The day-to-day love and appreciation that we show one another is what matters. I’d rather him completely forget 2/14 but show me care and gratitude other days than have him go all out on VDay but then be uncaring the rest of the year.

So, what I’m saying folks is, don’t let one day define your ideas of your relationship. As a couple, do what seems right for YOU. If you’re new in love and things are all romantic and sweet and you want to make a romantic gesture today, go for it. But don’t forget that feeling on days where you’re not inundated by media and marketing with reminders that you should show that special person you care. Some flowers or a cheesy note in your loved ones car on a random Monday are just as (if not more) appreciated.

Also, if you find yourself feeling unappreciated or lonely in your relationship, think about GIVING what you want to RECEIVE. Ask your partner to do something with you – like take a walk, meet for lunch, or help cook dinner – whatever works in your situation, but just something you can do together and talk and break out of the routine that has maybe made things seem a bit mundane. Heck, try leaving them a cheesy love note in their car so they find it when they’re on their way to work! Just remember that no matter how “long” in love you may be, and how secure you are in your relationship, your partner ALWAYS will appreciate little reminders of how much you care.

On that note – everyone appreciates reminders that they’re cared for, so in the next week, I will be reaching out to 5 people in my life with a little note reminding them that I love, care, and appreciate them and what they bring to my life. Snail mail is so freaking awesome because nobody EVER expects anything GOOD to come via snail mail! So tap into the good old USPS and send a handwritten note to someone you love. Put some love and gratitude out into the world and see how that makes you feel – maybe you’ll even get some love and gratitude back.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Writing Prompt

Writing Prompt:

Lori Martin

Do you need a break? From what?

Yes. I DO need a break. I feel like my true answer is that I need a break from everything, but I’ll narrow it down to two things that I need a break from. I currently need a break from work and winter.

I’m not a fan of winter here in southern Illinois. Winter here consists of stretches of gray and damp weather, sprinkled with an occasional 50-60 degree sunny day, just to totally screw with your brain. I feel like some people I know see those sunny days as a reminder that winter doesn’t last forever and we’re getting closer. To me it’s just like a wet snowball right in the face to remind me that somewhere it’s sunny days and warm breezes every day and I’m just choosing to spend my winter HERE instead of there.

Work – I need a break from work. I think I have a 5-10 year attention span. Every 5-10 years I have this “I need to do something else” crisis and just cannot focus. The year of 2022 was a shit show for me, and right now I want a break from all of it, and work is right up there on the list. My work is really an ideal situation, so I hate to complain about it. My husband and I started this company and have grown it, but it’s HIS interest, HIS hobby, and HIS passion. I don’t feel that for the work we do every day like he does. Some days I stop and look at that and wonder what it’s like to enjoy something so much that you come home and go right back to it. Sometimes I wish I had the old 9-5 back, and could take a week off to grieve, process, or just mentally shut down and let myself reset. But being self-employed is not like that, so like all things, you take the good with the bad. Some days I get a lot of stuff done and some days I sit and stare at my computer wondering what the hell I’m even doing there.

I’m working on it. I’m working on me. I have a good life, and have so much to be thankful for. I want to enjoy the fruits of our labor from the last 20 years. I want to plan trips and have friends over for dinner. I want to visit family. I want to explore new places and revisit comfortable old ones. I want to find a balance in life. Balance – that’s an interesting concept. Perhaps having my life out of balance for so long has left me in this state of flux right now. It’s time to work on me, work on finding balance, and work on finding the joy in every day life.